Today’s Texas Humor – Diary of a New Texan
Diary of a New Texan
Diary of a New Texan
- May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Trees and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
- June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
- June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
- July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
- July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
- July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
- July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
- July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
- Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
- Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, “Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!
- Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.
- Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
- Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield.
- That does it, we’re moving back to California where all you have to worry about is earthquakes.